Monday July 15, 2013
Today is eleven months since I lost Karen.
I wish I could turn off my mind. Somehow my
head always knows when the 15th of the month is near. It appears
to me that it is the mind that dictates emotions. I feel
incredibly sad today. The sadness doesn't seem to go away. I
keep thinking I will stop feeling this way. After all, everyone
says "Time cures all." Well how much more dang time must I endure.
I am so glad I am with Carol. For I cannot
imagine going through this alone. Carol is fun to be with and
understands that I must go through these periods of great sorrow.
I am sure it bothers her as well. Not only because she is my wife,
but also because she knew Karen very well. Carol wishes she could
say or do something to make me feel better. But the fact is there
is nothing - not a thing - anyone can say or do to relieve me of
this weight.
This weekend Carol and I looked at some pictures
from the house Karen and I had in Woodinville, WA. We looked at
all the great parties we had back then. Saw lots of smiling faces
belonging to friends who celebrated with Karen and I. Of course
there were pictures of Karen and I. It made me thing what a
wonderful life we had. We had no worries. We did pretty much
what we wanted to do. We had great friends, parties, trips, and
loved working on our home. I'm not sure we knew how good we had
it. I miss those care free days.
I miss Karen's smile, humor, and quick whit.
She was so smart and so much loved by all. I can't help but to ask
myself everyday "Why the hell did she have to die!?" I wouldn't
wish this pain on anyone. It is so difficult to explain and so
lasting. There is no aspirin for it. All I can do is
tolerate it. I do feel better when Carol is home. It is
worse during the day when I am all alone.
I find myself dreading the next month especially
August 15. All of the memories of those last two months are fresh
in my mind just like it was yesterday. A year ago today Karen's
brother Jeff was leaving to go back home after his weekend visit.
Karen and I were getting ready to go to Myrtle Beach for a few days -
her last vacation.
Something else that contributes to my pain and has
me a bit angry is the loss friendship. Karen and I were friends
with Mr. and Mrs. X for 20 years. Now that Karen has passed and
I've married Carol, the X's have stopped talking to me altogether.
No phone calls, no emails, no texts, nothing. I just can't
understand why they would do that. If I ever needed their
friendship more it would be now! Why won't they speak to me?
Is it because they don't know what to say regarding Karen's passing?
Well, don't say anything - just be a friend. Are they upset
because I re-married? Well, did they expect me to go through life
all alone? Or did I not wait an acceptable amount of time that
they have made up in their minds? This is very strange to me and
also a bit frustrating. But it appears this is not uncommon.
I have talked to real friends who have lost a spouse and have had
similar experience. Sometimes people behave in the strangest ways.
Wish me luck.
