LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because
you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your
UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is
silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little
devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my
friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get
five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20
minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the
most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way
to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you
like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own
bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at
level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking
"Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change
of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a
bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom,
you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And
now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You
and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows
an....after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself,
"Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as
well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that
board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for
me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ... cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the
tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your
friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as
recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going,
"Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler,
I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue
liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over,
and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your
friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You
weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you
see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they
say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night,
it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is
like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do
this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition,
"and this time, I mean it!"